Turtles and their Equipment
by Mistress of Serenity
Summary: Inspired by Deviantart. When Raphael overhears his brothers comparing the size of his and their "equipment", he misinterprets what they were actually talking about which leads to a HUGE misunderstanding. COMPLETE


**Mistress: **Hey fellow turtle fangirls and fanboys. Looks like I've done it again. After uploading my first TMNT fanfic-"Michelangelo Gets Subway", I've always told myself that I wanted to do another one if I ever had the time and the inspiration. Why? Because writing fanfictions about these guys in embarassing situations is surprisingly fun to do. Don't get me wrong. I love the turtles. That's why I'm dedicating this fanfic to my number one favourite turtle: Raphael. Inspired by a pic I saw on deviantart. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the fanfic ^^.

**Disclaimer:** I just bought the rights to TMNT off ebay. Now I own all of the turtles *insert evil laugh*. Just kidding XP (I know it makes no sense to include this because the truth is obvious but I did it anyway cause it's surprisingly fun to type in O_o LOL)

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**Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles:**

"_Turtles and Their Equipment"_

Deep underneath the grounds of the sleepless metropolitan of New York City, within the unexplored corridors of its main sewers, the sound of breathless panting and feral grunting echoed off the walls as solid fists collided sharply with the cushioned surface of a large punching bag.

It was approximately three minutes from midnight when Raphael found himself sparring alone inside of the underground lair that was residence to him and his family.

With his gloved fist clenched tightly, Raph stepped back slightly as he recoiled his arm before throwing a powerful reverse punch at his designated target, which traditionally happened to be the oversized potato-skinned sack of grains he used as a punching bag.

The inanimate object responded to the pummel with a sharp jerk as it wheezed backwards on its pole before jerking forward with a tactic of its own.

Raphael immediately counterattacked this move with a swift jab of his right hand combined with a perfect roundhouse kick as he briskly turned on his heel and lashed out at the bag with his free foot.

Raphael then smirked as his efforts were rewarded with a faint cry from his opponent as the punching bag suddenly went flying off of its pole and onto the floor three feet away with most of its internal contents spewing out of the fresh new hole embedded on its surface-another bruise to be added to the much abuse it had received from its owner in the previous years.

Nonetheless, Raphael smirked triumphantly and gave himself a pat on the back. "Yeah! Score one for Raphael!" he said. "Who's the turtle? I'm the turtle! Who's the turtle? I'm the turtle!" the teenaged turtle added with a cheer as he did a little victory dance on the spot. He eventually stopped himself when he realized what he was doing. Apparently he had been paying too much attention to his younger brother Michelangelo as it seemed that some of his common dorky antics were beginning to rub off on him. A trait which Raph did not want

"Alright, no one saw me do that, right?" Raphael said. However no feedback was given to his comment for at that time of the night, there was no one else but him in the room. Master Splinter had gone topside to take care of personal errands so it was just him and his brothers home alone that night.

However despite having the entire lair to themselves (meaning that they could have done anything that they wanted to do), things had been strangely _quiet_ for the past couple of hours since Master Splinter's departure.

As a matter of fact, Raphael had not heard a peek out of any of his brothers all night. Not even Mikey was audible and Raph had been expecting him to be skateboarding off the walls at that moment.

"Speaking of which, where is everybody?" Raphael asked himself as he peered around the empty room inquisitively. Curious as to know why his turtle siblings were not present, Raphael decided to investigate their current disappearance. "Leo?" Raph said as he inspected the small space in the lair where Leonardo often spent his spare time either training alone or in meditation. He had been expecting to discover his eldest brother sitting cross-legged on his favourite yoga mat, his face set in deep concentration as he mediated in solitude. However to Raph's surprise, he found no traces of Leonardo. Only an abandoned blue yoga mat that lay against the floor untouched. Scratching his head, Raphael moved onto the living-room couch. He had been anticipating to find Michelangelo lying on his couch, pigging out on nachos smothered in melted cheese and left over pepperoni pizza with his head stuck in another one of his superhero comic books. But yet…

"Mikey?"

"…" Nothing. There was no hyperactive Michelangelo to be found. Lastly, Raphael moved onto the last area which was Donatello's usual spot. He had at least been expecting to find him infront of his computers, engrossed in his technical work doing what Donnie did best. "Donnie?" Raph's jaw hit the floor when he inspected the spot and found nothing but a vacant computer chair and two pairs of LCD screens overlooking him with luminescent blue faces baring alphanumeric symbols and other forms of digital information that Raph had no idea how to read. But still…no Donatello. Now Raph was beginning to get worried…or at least a little agitated.

"Hey where are those guys?" Raphael grunted irately, "Don't tell me they went topside without me 'cause I'll sure kick their sorry shells if they did."

Still Raph kept searching for his brothers.

He checked the kitchenette. **No** turtles.

He checked the toilet and the bathroom. **No** turtles.

He checked the garage with the Battle Shell and his Shell Cycle. **No** turtles.

He even checked Master Splinter's dojo area and the sewer hallways outside their lair. But still… **no **turtles.

Just when Raphael was about to give up after inspecting all three of his brothers' bedrooms upstairs and still not finding them, he stopped when he suddenly heard voices coming from inside the last bedroom in the hall which was surprisingly _his_ room.

"I'm telling you Leo, mine is definitely **bigger**!"

"Nuh-uh! Mine is **bigger**!"

"You're both wrong. Everyone knows that I've got the **biggest**!"

Raphael recognized those voices at once. They could have only belonged to his brothers.

"Huh? What the shell are these guys talking about?" Raph said. Shrugging, he pressed his ear to the door as he listened in on his brothers' conversation.

"See Leo, look at mine. It's obvious that it's way **bigger** than yours." Donatello said.

"He does have a point Leo," Michelangelo said, "Donnie's is definitely the _longest _and _hardest_. I mean just feel how _firm_ this thing is."

"True. But I've got _two_ and they're both big which makes them better." Leonardo retorted proudly.

"So what? I've got two of them too?" Michelangelo objected.

"Yeah but yours are small compared to mine," Leonardo pointed out, "besides I'm very skilled at handling mine very masterfully. You don't know how many butts I've stuck this to in the past."

"Yeah but mine is more _flexible_ than yours Leo and it's **faster**," Michelangelo spoke up smugly, "it can do it from _all_ **angles** without stopping. Beat that Leo!"

"I still think mine is bigger and better." Leonardo said.

"You would." Michelangelo snorted.

Raph stepped back, his face _stupefied_ by what his brothers were discussing. Why were they talking about _that_ sort of stuff? Just when he thought that the conversation at hand could get any more _embarrassing_ than it was, Raph's eyes nearly bulged out from behind his face mask at something he heard Donatello mention. It was the last question that he wanted him to ask. "Well…what about **Raph's**? His is pretty big, right?" Donatello said inquiringly.

"Are you kidding me? Raph's got the **smallest** one out of all of us. Even smaller than mine." Michelangelo replied contemptuously.

"That's true but at least he makes up for it with _enthusiasm_, right?" Donatello said rationally.

"True." Leonardo agreed.

That was it. Raph could not take it much longer. It was bad enough that his brothers were talking about something as _awkward_ as **that** when it concerned themselves but when it was about **him**, _especially _after saying something like that about _his_ **stuff**, now they were taking it too far.

He didn't care if they were his brothers, he would kick all of their sorry shells to the _moon_ if he had too.

BAM!

Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo all looked up in surprise as the bedroom door was suddenly kicked open by a furious-looking Raphael as he barged in unannounced, _annoyance_ written clearly across his face.

"HOLD ON HERE! NO ONE TALKS ABOUT ME LIKE THAT!" Raphael boomed.

"Hey Raph, we were just talking about you." Donatello said innocently.

"Yeah I bet," Raphael grumbled, "how dare you guys call _my_ **equipment** the **smallest** one! I am **NOT** the _smallest_! Mine is definitely the biggest especially bigger than yours Mikey!"

As Raphael spoke, all three of his brothers-Leonardo, Michelangelo and Donatello glanced at one another before they all burst out laughing at him.

"And what pray tell is so funny?" Raphael grumbled.

"Listen Raph, normally I might agree with you but I'd be _lying_ if I said that _yours_ was the **biggest**." Donatello said honestly.

"True that. Yours is no bigger than the size of your own fist Raph which you have to admit is pretty small even for a turtle." Michelangelo jeered.

"Oh yeah well…I'll show you whose got the biggest equipment. I'll show you that mine is definitely huge." Raphael objected crossly, blushing in embarrassment.

"Umm no offense Raph but we've all already _seen_ your equipment billions of times and it's still small." Leonardo said.

"Say WHAT?" Raph shrieked, the heat rising in his face.

"Yeah Raph, admit it, y'know compared to the rest of us, your **Sais** are obviously the smallest." Michelangelo said.

"Listen Mikey, my Sais are not the-wait! Did you just say my _Sais_?" Raphael said.

"Yeah Raphy, your Sais are the smallest. See." Michelangelo said.

Removing his pair of nun chunks from his belt , he held it up to Raphael's twin sais which were strapped securely to his under shell. Mikey was joined by Leo and Donnie who both held up their weapons as well to Raph's to compare the sizes. Surely enough the _Sais_ were the smallest of the foursome.

"Hold on a second here, you mean to tell me that all this time when you guys were talking about our equipment, you were actually talking about our _weapons_?" Raphael said.

"Well DUH shell for brains! What else could we be talking about?" Michelangelo asked.

Raph's cheeks reddened. "…Uhm…well…I sort of thought that you guys were talking about our equipment. Not these equipment but…our _other_ **equipment**," Raph said, "y'know…_boy _turtles and their…**equipment**."

It took awhile for the other turtles to figure out the point that Raphael was trying to make however when they did, they looked at him strangely, _especially_ Donatello and Leonardo who were both blushing like crazy.

"Oh my gosh!" Leonardo mouthed.

"Raph! What the shell were you thinking?" Donatello shrieked, his cheeks bright pink despite his green complexion. Raph shrugged sheepishly. Michelangelo, conversely, scratched the top his head looking confused. "Uhm…could someone explain to me what Raph meant but that?" Mikey said. It was Donatello who answered his question as he whispered the _double meaning_ behind Raph's statement and when he was finished, it was Mikey's turn to blush as he turned to Raphael with a deadpanned expression. "…Aww…dude! Why would we even be discussing that _particular_ topic?" Mikey said, emphasizing the word 'particular'. .

"I dunno, that's what I thought. Guys often compare the size of their equipment to see whose got the upper edge…y'know in that department," Raph said, "I mean Mikey said something about Donnie's being the _longest_ and the _hardest_ so I just automatically assumed that he was talking about his-"

"STOP! Just STOP before the horrible picture is painted in my brain forever." Donatello interrupted with a shudder.

"Honestly Raph, that's just gross." Leonardo said.

"Sorry." Raphael murmured softly.

"Ha-ha! Seriously _Perverted_ mind big bro, seriously _perverted_ mind." Michelangelo coaxed, laughing at Raphael scandalously.

"Oh shut up Mikey!" Raphael grunted, folding his arms snappily.

"Man, what was Raph thinking? Now he's got me thinking about it." Donatello said.

"Looks like someone needs to have the _talk_ with Master Splinter again." Leonardo stated.

"I agree." Donatello said.

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**N.B:** Hope you enjoyed this little ficcy. Please review and let me know what you think ^^  
**_~Mistress_**


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